It’s been quite a frustrating month. or may a couple. I’m usually someone you’d see among many other people, and this bunch of people would be loud, outstanding, and a flamboyant bunch. We wouldn’t care what the world think about us. Well slowly, I feel like I don’t belong. In fact, I never really feel like I belong. I do enjoy the company. I can’t really figure out why I can enjoy the company (obviously because we were fun), and simultaneously, feel like I don’t belong in the group of people. And this is not the first time. There were so many groups I left before this. This however, is the biggest, and the last straw. Have I given up on something I’ve been striving for my whole life? The feeling of companionship. The feeling of when you know, someone would be there for you when it hurts. Someone you’d care to buy a Christmas present for, even if its something small. The souvenir you’ll buy for when you’re out of the country. I was in KL recently, and when my siblings were worried about what to get for their friends. I had the hardest time thinking who, back in Singapore, I should buy souvenirs for.
I guess, selfishly I’ve been wishing they’d suffer in my absence just to feel better for myself that my presence is of something essential in their lives. Then again, my mind tells me to stop caring about such things– thing is, I don’t understand how my mind suddenly flip from putting companionship on a pedestal, to perceiving it as something not worth caring.
The flipside of this is that I’m coping better in school. This may not be related to the fact that I left social life (or what I used to perceived it was to be) but I am improving. Though this could also be because I just gotten myself a night job, which in turn, leaves me no choice but to manage my time or life as it is, would crumble.
It’s just that, its something I’ve been thinking about for quite awhile. I didn’t really have a choice to leave the social life that I had. The feeling of ostracism was overwhelming. I was also pulled out from the managing team of ambassadorial group of my school (most of whom are those whom I perceived to have, social life)
That doesn’t mean I look down upon those who have a slightly quieter everyday routine. Something of the ordinary. I’ve gotten to appreciate the quiet side of life (besides the craziness of school assignments, and my night job) I still had time to foster better bonds with some people. We may not be best of friends (title which I still think, I’d never get to have) but we work together well.
So am I just someone people meet in their lives to co-op in work, and if there’s no work, there’s no bond? I don’t get why some people get to hang out and even when having no reason to do so, still do it anyway just because. Is it just me thinking that there have to be a reason, and that hanging just because we need to hang out isn’t a valid reason. What are we supposed to do when we hang? .. Here’s when my mind goes blank.
Thus this leads me to a conclusion. And a confession. I am an introvert. stuck in layers of self-placed lattices of extroversion made over the years. I, the introvert have become what I wanted to become, to be outgoing as an extrovert. I say so therefore I am. But even this have a flaw by which I am usually not what I say I am even though I seem like I am what I say I am.
